The Warrior Complex

I have a couple days to catch up on and will write those in the morning. But in the meantime, this is on my brain.

We’ve landed in Maryland. At my aunt and uncle’s home.

It’s a gorgeous home. Three floors. Beautiful and comfortable. Each of us has a room to ourselves. We have the entire house to ourselves for the next three days.

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for the alone time. But tonight, for some reason, I cannot stop crying.

It’s the comparison: My family’s home is parked on the street. Everything we own is in it.

But, to look at my extended family, one would presume that this is not what I am capable of. Most of my family is incredibly achieving. They work hard. They have degrees.

I feel and overwhelming incredible shame. I know I’ve worked incredibly hard. I went to school for nine years. But I have no degree. I have no job. I have no home. I am unable to provide for my children with any kind of security.

Instead I have this label: Felon.

I feel like that uncle who gets the cake with the bird illustrated on it, flying the coop.

I know that’s not who I am and that I’ve worked very hard, just for things that can’t be seen. But today, as my aunt said, “I think God just wanted you to leave Los Angeles…” I find myself agreeing with her and relieved I have.

But I also am choking on the sadness that I couldn’t make it work. That so many years were wasted with nothing to show for it. That I have to be a burden on others as I try desperately to climb up what seems to be a ladder that is impossible to scale.

That my options are midwifery or starvation. That I have to move across a continent to attempt to not starve and am not even guaranteed it’ll work.

And I just want someone to rescue me from it all and lay my head on their shoulder and tell me they will help me pay the rent and buy the food and pay for the lights to turn on until I know I have work coming in.

And it’s obvious that while I have been fighting this battle there were other people living life and building life. And I feel like I did nothing but try to gasp for breath over and over and over.

lost battle

The PTSD of it all hits at the worst moments.

Like the warrior returning from a lost battle. He knows he is loved and is grateful for the care and comfort. But there is a sorrow that knows no words and a horror that cannot be shared. There is a wisdom that comes from an incredible loss.

Midwives should not have to go through this to simply help families.

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About supportmidwifekatiemccall

Katie McCall was born at Pomona Valley Hospital in Southern California by scheduled c-section as a frank breech due to the current medical system insistence that breeches should always be delivered that way. Katie's father's family was filled with teachers, her mother's family was filled with healers. It is no surprise then, that she went on to have her own two children and spend her adult life involved in a combination of teaching and healing through midwifery, childbirth education, doula work and serving families in Southern California. Katie attended USC for her general education and then went on to study with the American Academy of Husband Coached Childbirth to become a certified childbirth educator. Shortly thereafter, she certified as a birth doula (labor assistant) with the Association of Labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators. Katie was also mentored through a pregnancy and birth support business called The Birth Connection in Glendale, CA, which Katie later purchased and expanded to include a 1500 square foot education facility, retail store and birthing center. She enrolled in midwifery school and apprenticed with the midwives who ran the birth center as well as with midwives who attended homebirths. She sold her business to pursue her midwifery education full time in 2006 and passed her midwifery (NARM) exam to become a Certified Professional Midwife in 2008. She went on to gain her Midwifery License from the State of CA Medical Board in 2010. Katie has received supplementary education in lactation to become a lactation educator, vaginal birth after cesarean support, support of sexual abuse survivors, aromatherapy and is neonatal and CPR certified. She assisted over 500 couples through childbirth education and attended over 550 births as of 2011. As a Southern California native, she has a wide range of experience, serving mothers from diverse backgrounds. She believes her job is one of empowering women to develop their own trust and connection with their bodies and their babies during their own unique journey into motherhood. If she has learned anything through her experience with birth, it is that every birth is as different as the women who are laboring. On August 17th, 2011 Katharine “Katie” McCall, a licensed midwife, was convicted of practicing medicine with out a license for a 2007 birth she assisted as a student. The charge arose from a home birth where Katie's supervising midwife could not arrive because she was at another birth. Instead of leaving the family to birth unassisted, Katie stayed. She recommended that the family transfer to the hospital and the family refused. They were aware that she was only a student midwife and that she was unable to secure an overseeing mid
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